I Forgive You

In most of our human relationships, we spend much of our time reassuring each other that our costumes of identity are on straight – Ram Dass

This is for those of you that have all been a chapter in my book called life and regardless how it ended, there are three words I need you to hear.  No, it’s not I Love You but words with more weight and heartache attached to them; I Forgive You.  I forgive you for all the mean things you have said to me out of anger and spite.  We all I know I am the master of daggers to the heart laced with word poison and your attempts to fire back were normally right on. You always knew the truth was exactly what I wanted and feared the most at the same time.  When emotions lay right under the surface, always ready to make themselves known, things get said that no one means.  I forgive you for not knowing how to love me the way I needed loved.  This was not your fault, you were doing the best you could.  Even when you weren’t doing your best, you were still there physically and at times that’s all I needed to get through that moment.  Loving someone like me hasn’t always been the easiest task, I’m well aware.  But because of you I’m starting to let the walls down, the expectations go and letting the sunlight in more.  We both know that in the end we would never been the happily-ever-after couple they write fairy tales about but in that moment there was something magical.   We worked at it in our own way, we fought, we laughed and at times absorbed the silence of each others company.  The most important part is that we learned that time does truly heal all wounds.  Today I can talk to you with wanting to punch you or cry; I can laugh with you again.  Time has helped us grown up and  realize that maybe it was just bad timing on our part.  Give us a second chance again today and it might be completely different or it might end the same, one will never know.  I forgive you for not know what to do with a strong woman on the outside who was falling apart in the inside.  I was broken when I came to you and I thought you were going to be the glue that stuck me back together again.  Boy was I wrong, because you were just as broken as I was.

I forgive you for not being the idealistic human I made you out to be in my head.  When you didn’t react the way I wanted you to, that wasn’t your fault.  When you wanted out and I wouldn’t let you go, I don’t blame you for cutting the ties and running away without looking back.  I forgive you for all of the self medicating on both of our accounts.  Trying to drown out the demons or try to silence them with the affections of others. I forgive you for the friendships that were lost, the gossip that was spread around and ungodly amounts of tears that were shed at the sound of your name.   I am grateful that you ran way, that you moved on and have settled into your own skin.  With that it has given me the strength to forgive myself as well.  I have relaxed when plans don’t go my way and the delusion of perfection is gone.    I listen to the music I want to listen to, I wear my hair to my liking, I come and go as I please.  I no longer worry about the perceptions of others have about me.  I carry my head higher, conversant with those I want to and tell people I love them. Regardless if we like it our not, our past has made us who we are today, the good, the bad and the ugly.   Forgiving you has freed me and for that I thank you.  Maybe the happily-ever-after relationship isn’t for everyone and I’m okay with that.

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